When Friends of Trees, Portland’s non-profit tree-planting group, came to my neighborhood in 2017, I scored a beautiful street tree for 35 bucks. I’d wanted two trees, two different varieties, but I could only make my mind up on one—a silver-leaved oak (Quercus hypoleucoides). I considered getting a parrotia for another 35 dollars, but I couldn’t decide if that was what I really wanted. So, the other space in my hellstrip sat empty.

Until two years later.

In fall of 2019, I went plant shopping with my friends Alan and Patricia, and I spotted a Texas live oak (Quercus fusiformis). Honestly, I didn’t know anything about Texas live oaks, but you know how some plants just speak to you? This one said, “Amy, look no further. I’m exactly what you need.” One hundred and ninety-five dollars, but it was on sale for 25% off—that’s less than $150 bucks! Not bad. Unfortunately, I couldn’t get it then and there. The City of Portland requires a permit for all new street trees, so I wanted to get that first. Texas live oak isn’t on the approved street tree list, so I wanted to make sure I wouldn’t get fined for planting it.

When the City issued my permit a month later, I raced back to the nursery and picked out my tree. By that time, I’d missed out on the sale, but I did get 10% off thanks to my HPSO membership. It came out to $175.50. I was pleased. I took it home.

My tree had been staked tightly. I knew I needed to release it from its bondage, but I also knew it would flop if I cut it loose completely, so I left the wooden stake in place when I planted it and cut all the ties except one. A few days later, the east winds whipped through my neighborhood and snapped the stake at the base. The tree flopped. Off to the big orange box I went.

Of course, it’s silly to go to Home Depot for one metal stake ($4.50), so I also picked up a new garden hose ($49), two pairs of gloves ($12), and two bags of mulch ($8). Ok, so my $175 tree had turned into a $249 tree. But the project was done.

Or so I thought.

Later that month, I got a letter from the City of Portland. In it, I discovered that on the day I’d gone to get my tree, I’d also received a Photo Enforcement speeding ticket. Thirty-one in a 20. A one hundred and seventy-five-dollar fine.

The letter said I could pay $125 instead and keep the ticket off my record if I took a 90-minute driving safety class. I was instructed to call the DMV to make sure I qualified—that is, to make sure I didn’t have any speeding tickets in the past three years. I was almost positive I didn’t, but I called anyway. The lady on the phone said, “No, you don’t have any tickets, but did you realize your license is suspended?”

I did not.

It turns out it had been suspended ever since the time I failed to report a fender bender two years before. She said they’d sent me three notices, but I’d never received them. I’d moved five years before and had never gotten around to giving the DMV my change of address. Whoops.

So, that day I took the bus ($5) to the DMV. I took a number, waited for an hour for my number to be called, turned in my accident form, and paid a late fee to get my license reinstated ($75).

The icing on the cake came a few weeks later, after I had completed my traffic safety class ($125). I got a message from Verizon stating that I’d gone over my data usage limit and was being charged an extra $15. While waiting at the DMV, I’d disabled the Wi-Fi feature on my phone and had never turned it back on. Back at home, instead of using Wi-Fi, I was still using data. Which brought the total of my tree-buying adventure to $469. Well, at least the ordeal was over.

Or so I thought.

The following spring, my tree didn’t leaf out. My live oak was a dead oak. Asking for a refund was out of the question. As a former nursery manager, a former certified arborist, and a current all-around plant know-it-all, I could not ask for a refund on a tree that was healthy when I bought it. I had to accept the responsibility that I had done something wrong. Too much water perhaps, or not enough? I don’t know. I don’t know anything about Texas live oaks, obviously.

Back to the nursery I went, and this time I got a parrotia! For $120.00. Bringing the grand total for my adventure to $589.00. That is, as long as it leafs out this spring.

We’ll see.